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Helpful tips for family caregivers

When you're a male caregiver, it's different

If you are a male caring for a family member, you may feel socially isolated in your role. In fact, men represent at least 38% of family caregivers across the nation. You aren’t alone, but you are likely to have different challenges than women do. And, typically, you are also less likely to have sought out the kinds of support meant to ease the stresses of caregiving.

Research shows there are several issues that may complicate your role:

• Household tasks. You may have to take over tasks that you are not used to doing (laundry, grocery shopping, cooking three meals a day). It’s tough to learn on the job.
• Personal care. With bathing, toileting, and dressing tasks, the intimacy is challenging. This is especially true when caring for an elder. But even with your spouse, you may feel inadequate handling daily needs, such as fixing hair. (When possible, men tend to hire others to do these tasks.)
• Balancing paid work. You are likely to be working while also providing care. This is not an easy combination, because you need flexibility. You may feel, as many men in the workforce do, that you must hide your caregiving role—or risk being perceived as less serious about your career.
• Identity challenges. The mundane chores of caregiving can seem emasculating. And the inability to “fix” a loved one’s disease may feel disempowering. Because women are more stereotypically associated with caretaking, you might also find that people don’t trust your abilities. Or they undervalue your contributions.
• Emotional demands. It can be draining to meet an ill loved one’s emotional needs. Even so, it may be your habit and comfort level to keep your world steady by avoiding talk about your stresses.
• Emotional losses. If men were to talk, it’s common for them to get emotional support from someone close at hand. But that person may now be the one needing care.

As such, male caregivers are especially subject to isolation, a stress that adds to the burden of caregiving. Give yourself some relief. Could another family member do a household task with you? Working together may lead to further connection. Hiring professionals might also help. Or perhaps you simply need a relaxed get-together with friends.

Alternatively, seek a support group for male caregivers. There is no shame in needing help. You may find understanding and camaraderie, as well as tips on valuable resources.

Managing a loved one's digital life

If your loved one has embraced use of a cell phone, tablet, or other digital device, it has likely facilitated caregiving and communication. In fact, much of your relative’s day-to-day life may happen online. It’s convenient: bills get paid online. Subscriptions renew automatically. Photos live in the cloud.

But there’s a downside. If your family member gets sick, has a stroke, or otherwise can’t handle logins, you could end up stuck, unable to access what you need in order to manage their affairs at the worst possible time. Illness doesn’t pause the Internet bill. “I know they had an account somewhere” isn’t enough when services must be canceled, transferred, or paid.

What to know. Even if you have a password, companies often require proof and paperwork before they’ll help you close, transfer, or access an account. Each company has its own rules. It’s wise to research them and get organized now to prevent major stress and legal roadblocks down the line.

What to do. Work with your loved one to avoid future overwhelm.

• Make a short list of their essentials: primary email login, phone carrier, banking/bill-pay information, utilities on autopay, and subscriptions.
• Sort out phone access. Know the passcode or where it is stored.
• Create one “home base” for all passwords and related information, such as a folder, notebook, or secure digital file. Tell one other trusted person where it is. Store a copy in a secure second location.
• Look for built-in “legacy tools” on phones and online accounts, including social media. These allow limited access after a death.
• Plan for paperwork. Consider having your relative create a digital will, which documents digital assets and how to access them after death. Know that many companies require a death certificate and proof of your role to gain access.

If you’re unsure what’s appropriate in your situation, a conversation with an estate-planning attorney can help.

Help with choosing a hospital

Ever wonder how well your local hospital performs in terms of patient care and safety? Online tools can help you find out.

Look to the stars. Medicare gathers hospital data regularly. It posts the information on its Care Compare website. To make comparisons simple, Medicare created a star rating system. Care Compare combines information about as many as sixty-four quality measures.

The star rating reflects these statistics:

• Quality. How many patients are readmitted within a month of being discharged. High readmission rates could indicate that patients are being sent home before they are fully healed. It could mean patients have not received the most up-to-date or recommended treatments. Or it could mean that patients have been released to a home situation that is not set up to handle the level of care they need.
• Timeliness. How quickly a recommended treatment is offered. For instance, how long was someone in the ER for a heart attack before they received an aspirin?
• Safety. This measures data such as infection rates after a surgery. Or the rate of general infections, such as MRSA. A high or low infection rate can indicate how carefully a hospital follows procedures to reduce the spread of disease.
• Patient experience. This is based on comments from patients after they are sent home from an inpatient stay.

The Hospital Safety Grade. The Leapfrog Group, a national nonprofit of large employers and private healthcare experts, assembles a report card–like Hospital Safety Grade. The report gives safety scores for nearly 3,000 hospitals across the country. It looks at issues such as

• infection rates after surgery
• communication among staff
• use of technology to reduce errors

Bottom line. If your loved one’s health coverage allows for a choice, research the options. Ratings and circumstances can change from year to year.