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Helpful tips for family caregivers

Preventing caregiver burnout

Some stress is inevitable when caring for a loved one. But unrelenting stress is bad for everyone. Think of a candle. If you leave it lit 24/7, it will quickly burn through. But if you let it rest between periods of use, it will last a long time. You are like that candle.

Burnout isn’t simply feeling overwhelmed after a tough day. It’s a state of physical, emotional, and mental exhaustion that builds over time. Studies show that 60% of family caregivers experience its symptoms, which can result in

• emotional depletion, often leading to depression
• reduced resistance to common illnesses, such as colds and flu
• increased likelihood of a chronic disease, such as heart disease or diabetes
• lack of energy to do what is necessary for yourself and your relative

Use these strategies to avoid reaching the burnout zone:

• Accept the realities. Sometimes life is hard and unfair. Acknowledge your grief. Acknowledge any frustration or resentment. At the same time, value the ways you are skillfully addressing life’s challenges as best you can.
• Ask for help. Develop a specific list of things others can do. Keep it up to date. Consider what tasks friends or family could take over. If no one steps up, hire help.
• Give yourself time away. You may need quiet time to replenish. Or conversation and social activity. Or both! Respite is essential. Aim for personal time on a regular basis. Even fifteen minutes a day can have a positive impact.
• Care for your body. Sleep! Eat nourishing foods. Find a physical activity you can do at home (spin bike? yoga?). Keep up with dental and medical checkups.
• Maintain other interests. Don’t forsake your family, work, or hobbies. They are also part of your identity and add meaning to your life.
• Cultivate gratitude. Take a step back and reflect on the ways that caregiving has helped you grow personally. Be sure to let those who are pitching in know how much their efforts mean to you.
• Find community. Identify at least one person you can comfortably talk with—perhaps a friend, spiritual advisor, or therapist. Join a caregiver support group. It can be a relief to talk with others who really get it!

Helping a loved one pay bills

Is your relative no longer paying bills on time? Perhaps you’ve noticed an overdue utility bill, a missed insurance notice, a stack of unopened mail. These can add up to a lot of stress and late fees. But you don’t have to take over everything all at once. There are several options to reduce risk while respecting your loved one’s independence.

Collaborate. Meet monthly or bimonthly to review bills and due dates. Your loved one can make payments while you provide a second set of eyes. Have them add you as a “trusted contact” on financial accounts. That way the bank can reach out if something looks amiss, but your relative doesn’t have to give you access to their money.

Automatic bill pay. Help your loved one set up autopay for recurring expenses such as utilities, insurance, phone/Internet bills. Autopay ensures essentials are covered no matter what. Potentially pair this with paperless statements so bills arrive by email, as those continuing to arrive by mail may cause confusion about what’s actually been paid.

Use financial tools. Find out if their bank offers “convenience accounts.” This arrangement entitles you to deposit or withdraw money and write checks, but the money still belongs to your relative. Unlike a “joint account,” you do not own the money upon your family member’s death. Also sign up for any available banking apps that can alert you to missed payments or unusual activity.

Hire help. If you live far away or don’t want to get involved with handling bills, see if there’s a licensed and bonded daily money manager in your loved one’s area. These professionals help organize and pay bills and track expenses. Some services are available at low or no cost through nonprofits. Check with the local Area Agency on Aging..

Do you know their wishes?

Suppose your loved one was unconscious in the midst of a health crisis. If you had to make treatment decisions for them, would you know what to say? Making the choices that are right for your relative requires knowing their preferences in advance. Have you had that conversation with them? Here are some tips:

Use a soft approach. Make it about your need to know versus their being frail. Choose a place that is comfortable and quiet. And allow plenty of time. Some possible starters:

• “Dad, you’re doing great now. But you know me, I like to be prepared. I want to be able to speak your mind if you can’t.”
• “Auntie, my friend just went through a horrible time having to guess what her mom would like. It’s important for me to know so I’m not left guessing.”

Don’t be upset if your loved one does not want to respond at first. They may need time to think. Healthcare and death are highly charged topics!

Plan on several conversations. It can help to begin by naming what “quality of life” looks like to your relative.

• Treatment and pain. Would they want treatment to stay alive as long as possible? Or are comfort and quality of life more important?
• Breathing. Would your relative want help to breathe? On a temporary basis only? “Forever?”
• Eating and drinking. Would they want food and liquid mechanically supplied if eating was not possible? Only temporarily? “Forever?”
• Preferred setting. Would your relative want to be at home? Or in a setting with professional care 24/7? Get details about favorite wishes and dreaded scenarios.

These conversations may help your family member complete an advance directive if they haven’t already. And, if appropriate, a Physician Orders for Life-Sustaining Treatment (POLST) form. Be aware their wishes may change with time. Plan to check in yearly to stay up to date.